Today I am Thankful

I know you definitely can not tell it from my blog but I really have been trying to look toward the positive things in life and not let my cycles run things. So far not doing so well but I will continue to work on things. Today someone that I am very close to (shes like my 2nd mother) had her second and final brain aneurysm removed and finally gets to come back home. This has been over a 2 month long process and has been so emotionally draining for her family but today it is finally over. Her surgery went way faster than expected and they were able to get everything done that they needed to. When my dad called and told me the great news I just started balling. Today I am thankful for her and that her struggle is done and she is onto recovery. Today I am thankful for the health of myself and my family.

I started back with my acupuncturist today and I am so thankful that I did. I have been reading about the benefits of acculturate for both PCOS and IF and figured it wont hurt. I have known my acupuncturist for about 4 years now and when I went in for my appointment I told about all my "new problems". About my loss and my PCOS. She kept asking questions and finally said well to my honest I have PCOS also and I am 16 weeks pregnant after trying for 2 years. We sat there and for 30 minutes talked about our internal struggles and how hard of a battle infertility is to take on and how it sucks that it is such a hush hush thing. She is the first person who I have gotten to sit down with who gets it, who gets the struggles and the horrible feelings that infertility brings. Its so horrible to say but it felt so nice to actually now know of someone who went through what I am going through and ended up on the other side. I am very thankful that I decided to start going back and seeing her and that she shared her story with me, it gives me hope.

Shit End of the Stick

 Lately I have been feeling pretty down. I think as Easter and Mothers day come closer I just keep thinking about how I should have a little one right now. I just about die when I see the cute Easter baby outfits. I think things have been tougher for me lately because we don't have much support from parts of my husbands immediate family, his brother and his new fiance (currently pregnant) in particular. I need to learn to just let people go when they are bringing negativity into our lives but I just have always wanted a sister in law that I was close with. I guess just another time I get the shit end of the stick.

We were supposed to have our first IUI this cycle but of course the timing came out just right that both my RE and her lab tech are going to be out of town while I am there. So as of right now the plan is to still be monitored and get the HCG shot but then for one of the other providers in the practice to do a sort of half IUI on me. She said the sperm will not be washed and will be put into the cervix instead of the uterus since they cant do anything else without the lab tech. I just don't understand how they do not have a replacement lab tech for when one is gone. I am on day 5 of this cycle and on day 3 of my femera and I already feel like im out. I am finding it harder and harder to remain positive with this process.

Shoes

Another heartfelt poem that I found online that hits home. As all of the people around me are getting pregnant or already have 1 or 2 kids I find myself becoming a total outcast. I am the person who backs away not because I want to, but to try to keep myself from sinking into that dark hole I have already had to climb out of so many times. I feel like everyday I am treading water. Some days I am able to stay above the surface and other days I am completely drowning.


I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Why Me

One of the worst things about Loss and IF is that it is not like the normal grief stages, you have good days and very bad days all the time. You are never in the clear from days that you feel like at any minute you are going to have a breakdown. Today is one of those days for me. This month I met with my RE and am scheduled for my first IUI but I cannot seem to get out of my current never ending cycle. Today is cycle day 42 and about 14 days past ovulation, of course when I thought everything was going to be timed perfectly for having to miss work and travel to the RE I ovulate on day 29 instead of 17. I had blood work on Saturday and she said that everything looked good and that I definitely did ovulate a good egg but my HCG was below 1. She had me take progesterone until yesterday and test this morning just in case and of course it was negative. I have pretty much quit testing, I just go off my temps and wait for my period because even though I already know my test is going to be negative it still ruins my day to see that single line. The extra progesterone has made me more emotional than normal and I am having one of those "why me" days. As my brother in laws fiance and my good friend get farther and farther along in their pregnancies I feel like I am completely left behind. I miss being pregnant so much. I cant believe that it has been more than 7 months since our loss.

I hate the monster that our loss and IF have made me. At this point I cant even see myself wanting to be around my husbands niece that is due is September unless I am pregnant. That is the most horrible thing to say, but I just don't know if I am going to have it in me. I feel so confused and  betrayed by my body. Why is it so easy for everyone else around me to get pregnant and not me?? I big FU to Infertility today!

Another one of the joys of IF

Today I learned the harsh reality of Infertility coverage by most insurance companies....there isn't much. I called my insurance company to see if I needed to get a prioritization for my consultation next week and she said all consultations and testing to see if I am infertile is covered but ZERO fertility treatments are covered. She said they are not covered because the treatments are not medically necessary to have a child. I responded with well wait there are conditions that may make them medically necessary and her response was that they are not the only way to have a child and that there is always adoption. I wanted to fucking throat punch her. She was super defensive too and kept saying now wait mam you didn't let me finish. I have worked in medical billing and I know the harsh reality of insurance companies but at least be a little sympathetic about it. I started to go through my benefits book and i am just amazed that they will pay for weight loss surgery and rehab. Are you fucking kidding me if i chose to get fat you will pay to help me loose weight or if I choose to start smoking crack you would pay for me to go to rehab and help me stop that but will not pay for help to have a child if other conditions make the difficult. Infertility is such a bitch. 

Fuck You March

I have been falling behind writing but I feel like this month has been so overwhelming I never know where to start. Just as I expected March has by far been the worst month for me. Everything I sit at work and think "I should not be here, I should be home with my newborn." All of the people that were due around the same time as me have had their babies and are getting to enjoy every moment of being a new mother and it feels as if I have been left behind.

DH and I took a trip to the city where my Dr is located and because we were there I stopped by the specialists office to fill out the new patient paperwork. That day she called me and asked what cay of my cycle I was on and I sent me right to the ultrasound place to check if I was close to ovulating and if so she was going to give me a trigger shot. I was so unbelievably excited, I could not believe we were going to get the chance to have 2 medicated cycles before DH leaves fishing. I really felt like things were starting to look up. Well of course we went and got the ultrasound (at the same place where I discovered my miscarriage) and all they saw was a ton of cysts and very small follies, the biggest one measuring 10 so they pretty much just sent me on my way. At this point I really do not expect to hear any positive information from a providers office.

DH also was able to get a SA while we were away. My new provider called a few nights later and told us everything looks except for motility is a little low. I have not received the write up yet so we will know more soon. 

My due date was rough, I barely got out of bed. I think the roughest part for me was the only one of my loved ones who knew I was due said anything to me that day. Not even my mother said anything to me about my loss that day. I couldn't help but think of how my phone would have been blowing up if I was still pregnant. March 16th definitely brought an overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I have never experienced before in my life. We booked tickets to Vegas for Saturday for a little get away and while I am very excited and ready for a break I am sad that I can go to Vegas to let loose. I am sad that I am not home with my new baby.

As April is our last chance for any sort of medicated cycle before the summer madness begins I have it all worked out to work from the city and be able to have my first fully monitored cycle in April. Since started Metformin I have been ovulating right around day 17 and have been having between 31-35 day cycles. It was going to line up perfectly that I get back from my trip, have my first RE consultation and be able to dive into things right when we got home. Well now of course my body is not responding to the clomid and I cant tell what my body is doing. My temps are higher than normal and bouncing all over the place with no sign of ovulation. So now I am freaking out because I cant get pushed back too far into next month or else I will not be able to have a medicated cycle.

I just keep waiting for something good to happen and the more and more time that goes by it makes it harder to stay positive.

10 Words of Infertility

Two days until my EDD and I still feel like like hell. My new provider has doubled my dosage of metformin so I feel like I am going to puke at any moment which does not help at all. I finally broke down and got tickets to Vegas for my husband and I at the end of the month, the same week as our appointment with the specialist. I have been planning my life around my cycles since our loss and we have not gone on any vacations and I really need some fun in the sun. It will only be a short break but we definitely need it. We were able to get in for a SA this week and are anxiously awaiting the results of that. At this point we really don't expect any positive news from any part of this process.
Here is something else that I found online about infertility and it really hits the nail on the head.

1. Lonely.-- We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.

It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.

2. Exposed.-- Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.

It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).

3. On Hold.-- We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”

It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.

4. Invaded.-- For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self.  But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.

It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.

5. Awkward.-- During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?

It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.

6. Angry.-- Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.

It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.

7. Stressed.-- Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.

It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.

8. Despair.-- The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.

It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.

9. Loss.-- This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.

It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.

10. Ambivalence--. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.

It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal.

If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.