Here Goes Nothing

I am pretty new to the world of blogging but I found myself opening a word document just to get these thoughts down so I figured what the hell. These may be a little messy but hopefully I will get the hang of things soon.

I wish that I was the same person that I was a year ago. I know this is a strange thing to say but it is all that I have been thinking about lately. A year ago we had just started TCC in and were just going with the flow. We went into it thinking we were “not not trying”, but in no big hurry to get pregnant right away. I was always a little let down with the negative tests but nothing compared to how I feel now. I was still going with the flow just with the possibility of getting pregnant. We went on vacations every winter and were always out and about with friends. I had no feeling of jealousy towards my loved ones who got pregnant and beleive me no one around me has any problems with that. Every single one of my friends who has recently started trying for a baby has ended up getting pregnant within 3 months, most of them the first month.

So here I am today, a little over a year after we starting trying to have a baby with a PCOS diagnosis and one missed miscarriage.  I feel like I am a lame & bitter version of myself. My life seems to revolve around my chart and I spend way too much time analyzing every feeling or twitch. I don’t go out much anymore because I do not want drinking to mess with my temperatures. I use doctor google way more than I should ever be allowed to and have started yoga a few times a week to try to calm my mind. I have also recently  started using essential oils for fertility. I never in a MILLION years would have seen myself as the person that I am today. I take more pills that I can stomach. I have nothing planned vacation wise this winter because I don’t want it to mess with our TTC schedule. I have most definitely become a slave of my cycle and I absolutely hate it.

Since our loss I have this sadness in me that I cannot put into words. It is impossible to convey what it’s like to someone who has never experienced a loss. I miss my baby every day.  With my due date approaching in March I think almost daily how far along I should be in my pregnancy. Sometimes if I really allow myself to stop and think I start to relive the horrible ultrasound we had at 12w 5 days when the tech could not find a baby and didn’t even say I’m sorry. I remember having to make those heart wrenching phone calls to my family and tell them the baby was gone. I feel broken and betrayed by my body. I hate that I am jealous of all my loved ones who get pregnant. Jealousy makes me feel like such a monster but it is how I feel every day. I found this article online and it is the only thing that I have been able to send to my family to try to put into words how I feel.  http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html?spref=fb

I am so lucky to have the most amazing and supportive husband and he deserves huge props for being able to deal with my craziness.  We are now onto our 2nd cycle TTC since our loss and our first on clomid. I am trying to remain positive through our struggles but I hope to use this is a place to share my life and my ups and downs on my journey towards motherhood.