BFN

AF came today in full force so this cycle was a failure. I seemed to respond to the clomid just fine and our timing was great but no luck. I cant say that I am really surprised, I didn't have many symptoms this cycle except for the lovely cramping thanks to clomid. This morning I woke up in some pretty bad pain and could not even bring myself to wear anything but yoga pants to work but since AF arrived the cramping has gotten better but still not feeling great. I officially have my first appointment on April 4th with a fertility "specialist" (since there are no RE in my area this is the next best thing). I really hoped that it would not come to this but here I am so I am trying to get roll with the punches. So now the plan is to do one more cycle of the 50mg clomid  with my current Dr and then hopefully have a new plan with my new provider after that appointment. This means no vacations this spring because my leave time will be used up with my appointments which sucks but hopefully something good will come from it.

Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why the f$ck is everyone pregnant but me?

Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why the f$ck is everyone pregnant but me?

Today this is how I feel. Although I know that I am not alone in this journey, with my due date approaching and seeing the belly pictures of all the woman that are due right around the time I was, I am starting to loose hope. Not to mention all every single one of my close friends who decides they want to start trying to get pregnant and then boom within 3 months they are. I am currently at the end of my first round of clomid and waiting for AF to show up any day now. I finally got the results of my cycle day 21 progesterone test and there were ok, could have been better. My level was a 6 and they would like to see a 10 or higher. We are going on 6 months since our loss and I have decided to finally move onto a reproductive specialist and go from there. For most woman this sounds like a no brainer but for me it is a little more difficult. I live in a small town there I have to fly out to see my Dr and for a monitored cycle this is going to be difficult. I was really hoping that things would start to work themselves out but that does not seem to be the case. So this means that I can cancel any plans for vacation because I will have to use my time off for trips to the doctor. I am trying to remain positive throughout this journey because we are blessed in so many other ways but sometimes its a struggle.

Another new challenge that I am facing is that since staring metformin I have started to gain weight. I am a generally fit and healthy person and have been able to maintain my weight but the last few months have just been hell. I have added 2 days of power yoga a week on top of my 3 days of cardio and juicing into my fitness routine and it just does not seem to make a difference. I do not feel good in my body, I have forgotten what normal feels like. I have been researching PCOS diets and it seems like low carb is the way to go so I am going to give that a shot. I am willing to do anything to feel more like myself at this point. I found this poem today and  it really hit home. I hope that I can continue to look forward and try not to let my sadness and frustration consume me.

Thoughts Of Becoming A Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know I will be better

I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child . I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, a friend and a sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tired by the fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall

I have prevailed
I have succeeded
I have won

So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs,

I listen

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten, as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learn a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes

I have learn to appreciate life

Yes I will be a wonderful person

BW Friday

Nothing like starting out the day with a new nurse trying to find a good vein to poke. Today is cycle day 21 (20 actually due to the weekend) check to see if my progesterone level shows that I ovulated. My fertility friend chart finally shows that I did with 3 temps over my base line so I am really hoping that my bloodwork confirms that. With my previous pregnancy they did not check my progesterone level until 7 weeks and it was extremely low. I believe that it had a lot to do with my missed miscarriage. Hopefully I will have the results by Monday. This time around I am trying to be a little less crazy about my symptom analyzing. Last cycle I was absolutely positive that I was having abnormal symptoms and that it was our cycle so of course the negative tests hurt even worse. This time being my first time on clomid I don't know what is "normal" for so I am just trying to relax. I know it is much easier said than done.

My day started out pretty great thanks to my husband. He had 2 dozen roses and a box of chocolates longer than my arm (no idea what he was thinking) waiting for me when I got out of the shower. I am thankful for my lunch breaks spent at the gym on days like these :)  Happy Valentines Day! May your day be filled with love and cocktails.

First Clomid Cycle

O Clomid you really do bring out the best in me.....NOT. I feel like hell. I have not been sleeping very well at all so even midday my eyes are still swollen. My eyelids look like one big roll. Then there is the wonderful cramping and bloating. I look like I am 6 months pregnant which makes me feel even better. Why do I have to feel worse trying to get pregnant than I ever did for the short time that I was pregnant?? I really hope that I don’t have to take these pills for very long, my body does not seem to like them too much. On a positive note I think that I am ovulating, it sure feels like I am and my temps are looking good so far. I guess I will find out after my bloodwork on Friday if I did or not.

On another note with every day that passes I can feel my due date creeping up on me. Honestly I am a little scared to see how I react. I thought that there for awhile my emotional outbursts had sort of subsided but right when I start to relax they sneak up on me all over again. I think these pills may also be contributing to it. My due date is the day before St. Patrick’s Day, the perfect due date for an Irish girl. Too bad it is now going to make St. Patrick's day hell for me. I came across St Patty’s day baby clothes the other day and about lost my shit. I should be buying those for our little one. I wish that I could just skip March this year, maybe just sleep through it.

Today is not a good day for me; I wish I could take the afternoon off and just head to bed. I am hoping that tomorrow will be better.

Here Goes Nothing

I am pretty new to the world of blogging but I found myself opening a word document just to get these thoughts down so I figured what the hell. These may be a little messy but hopefully I will get the hang of things soon.

I wish that I was the same person that I was a year ago. I know this is a strange thing to say but it is all that I have been thinking about lately. A year ago we had just started TCC in and were just going with the flow. We went into it thinking we were “not not trying”, but in no big hurry to get pregnant right away. I was always a little let down with the negative tests but nothing compared to how I feel now. I was still going with the flow just with the possibility of getting pregnant. We went on vacations every winter and were always out and about with friends. I had no feeling of jealousy towards my loved ones who got pregnant and beleive me no one around me has any problems with that. Every single one of my friends who has recently started trying for a baby has ended up getting pregnant within 3 months, most of them the first month.

So here I am today, a little over a year after we starting trying to have a baby with a PCOS diagnosis and one missed miscarriage.  I feel like I am a lame & bitter version of myself. My life seems to revolve around my chart and I spend way too much time analyzing every feeling or twitch. I don’t go out much anymore because I do not want drinking to mess with my temperatures. I use doctor google way more than I should ever be allowed to and have started yoga a few times a week to try to calm my mind. I have also recently  started using essential oils for fertility. I never in a MILLION years would have seen myself as the person that I am today. I take more pills that I can stomach. I have nothing planned vacation wise this winter because I don’t want it to mess with our TTC schedule. I have most definitely become a slave of my cycle and I absolutely hate it.

Since our loss I have this sadness in me that I cannot put into words. It is impossible to convey what it’s like to someone who has never experienced a loss. I miss my baby every day.  With my due date approaching in March I think almost daily how far along I should be in my pregnancy. Sometimes if I really allow myself to stop and think I start to relive the horrible ultrasound we had at 12w 5 days when the tech could not find a baby and didn’t even say I’m sorry. I remember having to make those heart wrenching phone calls to my family and tell them the baby was gone. I feel broken and betrayed by my body. I hate that I am jealous of all my loved ones who get pregnant. Jealousy makes me feel like such a monster but it is how I feel every day. I found this article online and it is the only thing that I have been able to send to my family to try to put into words how I feel.  http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html?spref=fb

I am so lucky to have the most amazing and supportive husband and he deserves huge props for being able to deal with my craziness.  We are now onto our 2nd cycle TTC since our loss and our first on clomid. I am trying to remain positive through our struggles but I hope to use this is a place to share my life and my ups and downs on my journey towards motherhood.