I know you definitely can not tell it from my blog but I really have been trying to look toward the positive things in life and not let my cycles run things. So far not doing so well but I will continue to work on things. Today someone that I am very close to (shes like my 2nd mother) had her second and final brain aneurysm removed and finally gets to come back home. This has been over a 2 month long process and has been so emotionally draining for her family but today it is finally over. Her surgery went way faster than expected and they were able to get everything done that they needed to. When my dad called and told me the great news I just started balling. Today I am thankful for her and that her struggle is done and she is onto recovery. Today I am thankful for the health of myself and my family.
I started back with my acupuncturist today and I am so thankful that I did. I have been reading about the benefits of acculturate for both PCOS and IF and figured it wont hurt. I have known my acupuncturist for about 4 years now and when I went in for my appointment I told about all my "new problems". About my loss and my PCOS. She kept asking questions and finally said well to my honest I have PCOS also and I am 16 weeks pregnant after trying for 2 years. We sat there and for 30 minutes talked about our internal struggles and how hard of a battle infertility is to take on and how it sucks that it is such a hush hush thing. She is the first person who I have gotten to sit down with who gets it, who gets the struggles and the horrible feelings that infertility brings. Its so horrible to say but it felt so nice to actually now know of someone who went through what I am going through and ended up on the other side. I am very thankful that I decided to start going back and seeing her and that she shared her story with me, it gives me hope.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Shit End of the Stick
Lately I have been feeling pretty down. I think as Easter and Mothers day come closer I just keep thinking about how I should have a little one right now. I just about die when I see the cute Easter baby outfits. I think things have been tougher for me lately because we don't have much support from parts of my husbands immediate family, his brother and his new fiance (currently pregnant) in particular. I need to learn to just let people go when they are bringing negativity into our lives but I just have always wanted a sister in law that I was close with. I guess just another time I get the shit end of the stick.
We were supposed to have our first IUI this cycle but of course the timing came out just right that both my RE and her lab tech are going to be out of town while I am there. So as of right now the plan is to still be monitored and get the HCG shot but then for one of the other providers in the practice to do a sort of half IUI on me. She said the sperm will not be washed and will be put into the cervix instead of the uterus since they cant do anything else without the lab tech. I just don't understand how they do not have a replacement lab tech for when one is gone. I am on day 5 of this cycle and on day 3 of my femera and I already feel like im out. I am finding it harder and harder to remain positive with this process.
We were supposed to have our first IUI this cycle but of course the timing came out just right that both my RE and her lab tech are going to be out of town while I am there. So as of right now the plan is to still be monitored and get the HCG shot but then for one of the other providers in the practice to do a sort of half IUI on me. She said the sperm will not be washed and will be put into the cervix instead of the uterus since they cant do anything else without the lab tech. I just don't understand how they do not have a replacement lab tech for when one is gone. I am on day 5 of this cycle and on day 3 of my femera and I already feel like im out. I am finding it harder and harder to remain positive with this process.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Shoes
Another heartfelt poem that I found online that hits home. As all of the people around me are getting pregnant or already have 1 or 2 kids I find myself becoming a total outcast. I am the person who backs away not because I want to, but to try to keep myself from sinking into that dark hole I have already had to climb out of so many times. I feel like everyday I am treading water. Some days I am able to stay above the surface and other days I am completely drowning.
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Why Me
One of the worst things about Loss and IF is that it is not like the normal grief stages, you have good days and very bad days all the time. You are never in the clear from days that you feel like at any minute you are going to have a breakdown. Today is one of those days for me. This month I met with my RE and am scheduled for my first IUI but I cannot seem to get out of my current never ending cycle. Today is cycle day 42 and about 14 days past ovulation, of course when I thought everything was going to be timed perfectly for having to miss work and travel to the RE I ovulate on day 29 instead of 17. I had blood work on Saturday and she said that everything looked good and that I definitely did ovulate a good egg but my HCG was below 1. She had me take progesterone until yesterday and test this morning just in case and of course it was negative. I have pretty much quit testing, I just go off my temps and wait for my period because even though I already know my test is going to be negative it still ruins my day to see that single line. The extra progesterone has made me more emotional than normal and I am having one of those "why me" days. As my brother in laws fiance and my good friend get farther and farther along in their pregnancies I feel like I am completely left behind. I miss being pregnant so much. I cant believe that it has been more than 7 months since our loss.
I hate the monster that our loss and IF have made me. At this point I cant even see myself wanting to be around my husbands niece that is due is September unless I am pregnant. That is the most horrible thing to say, but I just don't know if I am going to have it in me. I feel so confused and betrayed by my body. Why is it so easy for everyone else around me to get pregnant and not me?? I big FU to Infertility today!
I hate the monster that our loss and IF have made me. At this point I cant even see myself wanting to be around my husbands niece that is due is September unless I am pregnant. That is the most horrible thing to say, but I just don't know if I am going to have it in me. I feel so confused and betrayed by my body. Why is it so easy for everyone else around me to get pregnant and not me?? I big FU to Infertility today!
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