I know you definitely can not tell it from my blog but I really have been trying to look toward the positive things in life and not let my cycles run things. So far not doing so well but I will continue to work on things. Today someone that I am very close to (shes like my 2nd mother) had her second and final brain aneurysm removed and finally gets to come back home. This has been over a 2 month long process and has been so emotionally draining for her family but today it is finally over. Her surgery went way faster than expected and they were able to get everything done that they needed to. When my dad called and told me the great news I just started balling. Today I am thankful for her and that her struggle is done and she is onto recovery. Today I am thankful for the health of myself and my family.
I started back with my acupuncturist today and I am so thankful that I did. I have been reading about the benefits of acculturate for both PCOS and IF and figured it wont hurt. I have known my acupuncturist for about 4 years now and when I went in for my appointment I told about all my "new problems". About my loss and my PCOS. She kept asking questions and finally said well to my honest I have PCOS also and I am 16 weeks pregnant after trying for 2 years. We sat there and for 30 minutes talked about our internal struggles and how hard of a battle infertility is to take on and how it sucks that it is such a hush hush thing. She is the first person who I have gotten to sit down with who gets it, who gets the struggles and the horrible feelings that infertility brings. Its so horrible to say but it felt so nice to actually now know of someone who went through what I am going through and ended up on the other side. I am very thankful that I decided to start going back and seeing her and that she shared her story with me, it gives me hope.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Shit End of the Stick
Lately I have been feeling pretty down. I think as Easter and Mothers day come closer I just keep thinking about how I should have a little one right now. I just about die when I see the cute Easter baby outfits. I think things have been tougher for me lately because we don't have much support from parts of my husbands immediate family, his brother and his new fiance (currently pregnant) in particular. I need to learn to just let people go when they are bringing negativity into our lives but I just have always wanted a sister in law that I was close with. I guess just another time I get the shit end of the stick.
We were supposed to have our first IUI this cycle but of course the timing came out just right that both my RE and her lab tech are going to be out of town while I am there. So as of right now the plan is to still be monitored and get the HCG shot but then for one of the other providers in the practice to do a sort of half IUI on me. She said the sperm will not be washed and will be put into the cervix instead of the uterus since they cant do anything else without the lab tech. I just don't understand how they do not have a replacement lab tech for when one is gone. I am on day 5 of this cycle and on day 3 of my femera and I already feel like im out. I am finding it harder and harder to remain positive with this process.
We were supposed to have our first IUI this cycle but of course the timing came out just right that both my RE and her lab tech are going to be out of town while I am there. So as of right now the plan is to still be monitored and get the HCG shot but then for one of the other providers in the practice to do a sort of half IUI on me. She said the sperm will not be washed and will be put into the cervix instead of the uterus since they cant do anything else without the lab tech. I just don't understand how they do not have a replacement lab tech for when one is gone. I am on day 5 of this cycle and on day 3 of my femera and I already feel like im out. I am finding it harder and harder to remain positive with this process.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Shoes
Another heartfelt poem that I found online that hits home. As all of the people around me are getting pregnant or already have 1 or 2 kids I find myself becoming a total outcast. I am the person who backs away not because I want to, but to try to keep myself from sinking into that dark hole I have already had to climb out of so many times. I feel like everyday I am treading water. Some days I am able to stay above the surface and other days I am completely drowning.
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Why Me
One of the worst things about Loss and IF is that it is not like the normal grief stages, you have good days and very bad days all the time. You are never in the clear from days that you feel like at any minute you are going to have a breakdown. Today is one of those days for me. This month I met with my RE and am scheduled for my first IUI but I cannot seem to get out of my current never ending cycle. Today is cycle day 42 and about 14 days past ovulation, of course when I thought everything was going to be timed perfectly for having to miss work and travel to the RE I ovulate on day 29 instead of 17. I had blood work on Saturday and she said that everything looked good and that I definitely did ovulate a good egg but my HCG was below 1. She had me take progesterone until yesterday and test this morning just in case and of course it was negative. I have pretty much quit testing, I just go off my temps and wait for my period because even though I already know my test is going to be negative it still ruins my day to see that single line. The extra progesterone has made me more emotional than normal and I am having one of those "why me" days. As my brother in laws fiance and my good friend get farther and farther along in their pregnancies I feel like I am completely left behind. I miss being pregnant so much. I cant believe that it has been more than 7 months since our loss.
I hate the monster that our loss and IF have made me. At this point I cant even see myself wanting to be around my husbands niece that is due is September unless I am pregnant. That is the most horrible thing to say, but I just don't know if I am going to have it in me. I feel so confused and betrayed by my body. Why is it so easy for everyone else around me to get pregnant and not me?? I big FU to Infertility today!
I hate the monster that our loss and IF have made me. At this point I cant even see myself wanting to be around my husbands niece that is due is September unless I am pregnant. That is the most horrible thing to say, but I just don't know if I am going to have it in me. I feel so confused and betrayed by my body. Why is it so easy for everyone else around me to get pregnant and not me?? I big FU to Infertility today!
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Another one of the joys of IF
Today I learned the harsh reality of Infertility coverage by most insurance companies....there isn't much. I called my insurance company to see if I needed to get a prioritization for my consultation next week and she said all
consultations and testing to see if I am infertile is covered but ZERO
fertility treatments are covered. She said they are not covered because the treatments are not
medically necessary to have a child. I responded with well wait there are conditions that may make them medically necessary and her response was that they are not the only way to have a child and that there is always adoption. I
wanted to fucking throat punch her. She was super defensive too and
kept saying now wait mam you didn't let me finish. I have worked in medical billing and I know the harsh reality of insurance companies but at least be a little sympathetic about it. I started to go through my benefits book and i am just amazed that they will pay for weight loss
surgery and rehab. Are you fucking kidding me if i chose to get fat you will pay to help me loose weight or if
I choose to start smoking crack you would pay for me to go to rehab and help me stop that but will not pay for help to have a child if other conditions make the difficult. Infertility is such a bitch.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Fuck You March
I have been falling behind writing but I feel like this month has been so overwhelming I never know where to start. Just as I expected March has by far been the worst month for me. Everything I sit at work and think "I should not be here, I should be home with my newborn." All of the people that were due around the same time as me have had their babies and are getting to enjoy every moment of being a new mother and it feels as if I have been left behind.
DH and I took a trip to the city where my Dr is located and because we were there I stopped by the specialists office to fill out the new patient paperwork. That day she called me and asked what cay of my cycle I was on and I sent me right to the ultrasound place to check if I was close to ovulating and if so she was going to give me a trigger shot. I was so unbelievably excited, I could not believe we were going to get the chance to have 2 medicated cycles before DH leaves fishing. I really felt like things were starting to look up. Well of course we went and got the ultrasound (at the same place where I discovered my miscarriage) and all they saw was a ton of cysts and very small follies, the biggest one measuring 10 so they pretty much just sent me on my way. At this point I really do not expect to hear any positive information from a providers office.
DH also was able to get a SA while we were away. My new provider called a few nights later and told us everything looks except for motility is a little low. I have not received the write up yet so we will know more soon.
My due date was rough, I barely got out of bed. I think the roughest part for me was the only one of my loved ones who knew I was due said anything to me that day. Not even my mother said anything to me about my loss that day. I couldn't help but think of how my phone would have been blowing up if I was still pregnant. March 16th definitely brought an overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I have never experienced before in my life. We booked tickets to Vegas for Saturday for a little get away and while I am very excited and ready for a break I am sad that I can go to Vegas to let loose. I am sad that I am not home with my new baby.
As April is our last chance for any sort of medicated cycle before the summer madness begins I have it all worked out to work from the city and be able to have my first fully monitored cycle in April. Since started Metformin I have been ovulating right around day 17 and have been having between 31-35 day cycles. It was going to line up perfectly that I get back from my trip, have my first RE consultation and be able to dive into things right when we got home. Well now of course my body is not responding to the clomid and I cant tell what my body is doing. My temps are higher than normal and bouncing all over the place with no sign of ovulation. So now I am freaking out because I cant get pushed back too far into next month or else I will not be able to have a medicated cycle.
I just keep waiting for something good to happen and the more and more time that goes by it makes it harder to stay positive.
DH and I took a trip to the city where my Dr is located and because we were there I stopped by the specialists office to fill out the new patient paperwork. That day she called me and asked what cay of my cycle I was on and I sent me right to the ultrasound place to check if I was close to ovulating and if so she was going to give me a trigger shot. I was so unbelievably excited, I could not believe we were going to get the chance to have 2 medicated cycles before DH leaves fishing. I really felt like things were starting to look up. Well of course we went and got the ultrasound (at the same place where I discovered my miscarriage) and all they saw was a ton of cysts and very small follies, the biggest one measuring 10 so they pretty much just sent me on my way. At this point I really do not expect to hear any positive information from a providers office.
DH also was able to get a SA while we were away. My new provider called a few nights later and told us everything looks except for motility is a little low. I have not received the write up yet so we will know more soon.
My due date was rough, I barely got out of bed. I think the roughest part for me was the only one of my loved ones who knew I was due said anything to me that day. Not even my mother said anything to me about my loss that day. I couldn't help but think of how my phone would have been blowing up if I was still pregnant. March 16th definitely brought an overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I have never experienced before in my life. We booked tickets to Vegas for Saturday for a little get away and while I am very excited and ready for a break I am sad that I can go to Vegas to let loose. I am sad that I am not home with my new baby.
As April is our last chance for any sort of medicated cycle before the summer madness begins I have it all worked out to work from the city and be able to have my first fully monitored cycle in April. Since started Metformin I have been ovulating right around day 17 and have been having between 31-35 day cycles. It was going to line up perfectly that I get back from my trip, have my first RE consultation and be able to dive into things right when we got home. Well now of course my body is not responding to the clomid and I cant tell what my body is doing. My temps are higher than normal and bouncing all over the place with no sign of ovulation. So now I am freaking out because I cant get pushed back too far into next month or else I will not be able to have a medicated cycle.
I just keep waiting for something good to happen and the more and more time that goes by it makes it harder to stay positive.
Friday, March 14, 2014
10 Words of Infertility
Two days until my EDD and I still feel like like hell. My new provider has doubled my dosage of metformin so I feel like I am going to puke at any moment which does not help at all. I finally broke down and got tickets to Vegas for my husband and I at the end of the month, the same week as our appointment with the specialist. I have been planning my life around my cycles since our loss and we have not gone on any vacations and I really need some fun in the sun. It will only be a short break but we definitely need it. We were able to get in for a SA this week and are anxiously awaiting the results of that. At this point we really don't expect any positive news from any part of this process.
Here is something else that I found online about infertility and it really hits the nail on the head.
1. Lonely.-- We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.
It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.
2. Exposed.-- Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.
It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).
3. On Hold.-- We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”
It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.
4. Invaded.-- For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self. But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.
It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.
5. Awkward.-- During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?
It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.
6. Angry.-- Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.
It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.
7. Stressed.-- Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.
It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.
8. Despair.-- The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.
It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.
9. Loss.-- This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.
It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.
10. Ambivalence--. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.
It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal.
If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.
Here is something else that I found online about infertility and it really hits the nail on the head.
1. Lonely.-- We saw couple after couple get pregnant before us, our best friends included. When they told us, we high-fived them, then we went home, and hardly knew what to say to each other. We felt lost, sad, and even lonelier than before. We were excited for them; we were just very sad for us.
It’s okay to go home and cry your eyes out when your friends get pregnant.
2. Exposed.-- Everybody wants to give you advice, and some people say incredibly stupid things. My favorite: “You just need to stop trying so hard!” Some people want to know every excruciating detail of what you’re doing to get pregnant. Suddenly, your most private details are the subject of casual conversation. Once people know you’re trying, people want to know how it’s going, if you’ve done artificial insemination, if you’d consider IVF, and how it felt in that small white room with the gross leather chair & the bad magazines.
It’s okay to avoid the question, smile, and change the subject. Keep as many things private as you can (except to a few trusted friends).
3. On Hold.-- We were always checking the calendar, wondering if we should plan that vacation, or that work trip, because what if we’re pregnant? Then we stopped doing that, because we would have never lived if we would have scheduled everything around a “what if.”
It’s okay to miss a month or two; you have to live your life. This is hard, but over the long haul, it will create more stress if you feel so trapped that you can’t plan anything. We even found that it’s good to take a month off now and then.
4. Invaded.-- For women, there are so many things entering your body (probes, needles, drugs) and so many people measuring your progress. Even sex, at the mercy of a calendar or a temperature reading, can feel invasive. The loss of control can almost merge into a loss of self. But, it feels like once you’ve started down this road, there’s no stopping until you get pregnant.
It’s okay to say what you need, and it’s okay to shore up your boundaries in whatever ways you can.
5. Awkward.-- During one of the first visits where I was given the small cup and ceremoniously ushered into the small room, I actually ran into some people from my church afterwards. Of course they had their baby with them. I had a small cup that contained very personal contents with me. They asked, “What are you doing here?” I mean, what do you say?
It’s okay to laugh at yourself sometimes. And when someone catches you with your cup in your hand, that’s all you can do.
6. Angry.-- Unfair is the password that gets you into the infertility club. Mary tells a story of a friend asking her if she was angry with God. “No!” she blurted. “I’m angry at pregnant women!” She knew this was irrational, but she also knew that it was good for her soul to be honest in safe places. You actually may be angry with God, and you may need to find some safe places to be honest about that.
It’s okay to express the darkness, even the stuff you’re terribly embarrassed about, because it’s good for your soul. But in the right places, with people who can handle it.
7. Stressed.-- Even though it seems like a stressed out couple is less likely to get pregnant, The American Society for Reproductive Medicine finds that there is no proof stress causes infertility. Besides, trying hard to “not be so stressed about it” never worked for us. It also didn’t help to “just stop trying.” Everybody has a friend who was infertile for 73 years, and the day they stopped trying, they got pregnant. That never happened with us.
It’s okay to be stressed. Don’t stress about your stress. Trying hard not to be stressed is silly.
8. Despair.-- The cycle of hope and despair with infertility can take you out. I remember getting so excited when Mary was 2 days late, and just knowing that this time, it’s going to happen! Then, a few days or hours later, when she told me she got “it,” I would plunge into despair. The alternative is to temper your hope so that your despair doesn’t get so low. After about a hundred months of experiencing this cycle, we found that the best route is to keep hoping, and if it doesn’t happen, keep crying. It’s too hard to pretend that you’re not excited and that you’re not depressed. Be excited. Be depressed.
It’s okay to hope, and it’s okay to cry. Keep hoping and keep crying.
9. Loss.-- This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what you dreamed it would be. And you don’t know how it will end.
It’s okay if you don’t know how to wrap your mind around your emotions. Be gentle with yourself for not totally having control of how you feel from moment to moment.
10. Ambivalence--. Every time you have to go through another kind of treatment, you ask yourself: “Is it worth it? Do I really want it that bad?” And then in the very next breath, you are taken out by the sheer magnitude of how much you want a baby.
It’s okay to want and not want. That’s normal.
If you’re struggling with infertility, it can be such a dark time. You have to be out loud with each other about what you need, and every journey will be different. You have to give yourselves permission to do this journey in whatever way makes the most sense for you.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Infertility Lottery
March has definitely been my lowest month since my loss and I just cant seem to get out of this funk. My due date is this coming Sunday and I am absolutely dreading it. I have found a few different things on other blogs that really hit home about how I feel lately. Below you will find one of them...
Pregnancy is a miraculous thing. So many things have to go the right way at the right time to make it possible, and even then you have only a 20-30% chance at best each cycle of getting pregnant. Even less of having it stick and making it through the entire gestation and being born. Yet people do it all the time, most without even thinking about how they won the biological lottery.
For those of us struggling with infertility, that lottery has become a numbers game. We're the crazy caffeinated ladies with the bucket of coins at the slot machines at 4am when most normal people have already taken their winnings and gone to bed, while we are convinced just one more coin will get us the jackpot. So we don't give up. One coin after another.
At first it was fun and exciting, knowing the next coin might cause the machine to light up, bells to go off, and the jackpot to come pouring out in a stream of joyful coins. You'd be so happy, and feel so glad that you won! It was exciting each time you put a coin in, pulled the lever, waited to see if this would be the lucky turn. And when you lost, it wasn't a big deal as you might win the next one.
After you've been putting coins in the machine for awhile, you might look up the statistics. Okay, so at this particular Pregnancy Lottery machine, you've got about a 20% chance each time you pull the lever (or rather, each cycle). So if you pull it a half dozen times or so, you're bound to win!
Except you don't. And then you start realizing that 80% of people have already won the lottery after this many coins and you haven't. And then you start calculating how likely it is that you'll ever win the lottery. And how likely it is that you'll never win no matter how long you play.
You start to wonder if the machine is broken, so you have the staff come check it out. You might have a defective machine and the mechanic comes to fix it before you can keep playing. Or you need a special kind of coin that costs a lot of money to keep playing each turn. Or you might find out that the machine isn't the newest model with all the upgrades, and might just take a few extra turns to get your jackpot.
So once the machine is in more or less working condition, you start getting superstitious and strategic. Maybe you start putting coins in all the machines, hoping one of them is a winner. Or you commit to one machine, believing it eventually will have to pay out. Or you start using only newer coins because maybe the machine can tell the difference. Or you close your eyes and say a mantra every time before you pull the lever. Perhaps if you pull the lever a little harder, or at exactly two seconds after you put in the coin, it will work this time. And did last time not work because you forgot to say the mantra, or is the mantra keeping you from winning?
Eventually those losses start to hurt. It feels like you have lost personally. That something is wrong with you, that you're pulling the lever wrong, that maybe you just aren't lucky enough to win the lottery. You've tried so hard, you've invested so much time and money, you deserve to win. Damn it, you've earned that win.
Except you haven't. And you might not ever win. And that starts to weigh on you, like an anchor hanging around your neck, and it's all you can think about. So you keep putting coins in, sitting there as dawn breaks, fanatically putting coins into the machine.
And of course, there's your friend who just arrived to the casino, who pulls up to the seat next to you at 6am as you're chugging another Red Bull to keep up the energy to continue. She's fresh faced from a good night sleep, can't figure out how to put the coin in, doesn't realize you have to pull the lever, and yet still - her first tug on that lever - the bells are going off and the coins are spilling out and she's so happy. How great for her - her first time! She must just be naturally good at the Lottery. Or really lucky. Or both. But she doesn't care, because she's convinced it was just "meant to be" for her.
And you just want to slug her right in her pretty exuberant face.
It's not that you aren't happy for her - okay, maybe not much. But you want to be happy for her, so that counts for something, right? It's not that you're a hateful selfish person, or at least you didn't used to be. But after pulling an all nighter, plunking coins into the machines, strategizing about how to win, feeling like you've lost your sanity... why isn't it "meant to be" for you, too?!
Pregnancy is a miraculous thing. So many things have to go the right way at the right time to make it possible, and even then you have only a 20-30% chance at best each cycle of getting pregnant. Even less of having it stick and making it through the entire gestation and being born. Yet people do it all the time, most without even thinking about how they won the biological lottery.
For those of us struggling with infertility, that lottery has become a numbers game. We're the crazy caffeinated ladies with the bucket of coins at the slot machines at 4am when most normal people have already taken their winnings and gone to bed, while we are convinced just one more coin will get us the jackpot. So we don't give up. One coin after another.
At first it was fun and exciting, knowing the next coin might cause the machine to light up, bells to go off, and the jackpot to come pouring out in a stream of joyful coins. You'd be so happy, and feel so glad that you won! It was exciting each time you put a coin in, pulled the lever, waited to see if this would be the lucky turn. And when you lost, it wasn't a big deal as you might win the next one.
After you've been putting coins in the machine for awhile, you might look up the statistics. Okay, so at this particular Pregnancy Lottery machine, you've got about a 20% chance each time you pull the lever (or rather, each cycle). So if you pull it a half dozen times or so, you're bound to win!
Except you don't. And then you start realizing that 80% of people have already won the lottery after this many coins and you haven't. And then you start calculating how likely it is that you'll ever win the lottery. And how likely it is that you'll never win no matter how long you play.
You start to wonder if the machine is broken, so you have the staff come check it out. You might have a defective machine and the mechanic comes to fix it before you can keep playing. Or you need a special kind of coin that costs a lot of money to keep playing each turn. Or you might find out that the machine isn't the newest model with all the upgrades, and might just take a few extra turns to get your jackpot.
So once the machine is in more or less working condition, you start getting superstitious and strategic. Maybe you start putting coins in all the machines, hoping one of them is a winner. Or you commit to one machine, believing it eventually will have to pay out. Or you start using only newer coins because maybe the machine can tell the difference. Or you close your eyes and say a mantra every time before you pull the lever. Perhaps if you pull the lever a little harder, or at exactly two seconds after you put in the coin, it will work this time. And did last time not work because you forgot to say the mantra, or is the mantra keeping you from winning?
Eventually those losses start to hurt. It feels like you have lost personally. That something is wrong with you, that you're pulling the lever wrong, that maybe you just aren't lucky enough to win the lottery. You've tried so hard, you've invested so much time and money, you deserve to win. Damn it, you've earned that win.
Except you haven't. And you might not ever win. And that starts to weigh on you, like an anchor hanging around your neck, and it's all you can think about. So you keep putting coins in, sitting there as dawn breaks, fanatically putting coins into the machine.
And of course, there's your friend who just arrived to the casino, who pulls up to the seat next to you at 6am as you're chugging another Red Bull to keep up the energy to continue. She's fresh faced from a good night sleep, can't figure out how to put the coin in, doesn't realize you have to pull the lever, and yet still - her first tug on that lever - the bells are going off and the coins are spilling out and she's so happy. How great for her - her first time! She must just be naturally good at the Lottery. Or really lucky. Or both. But she doesn't care, because she's convinced it was just "meant to be" for her.
And you just want to slug her right in her pretty exuberant face.
It's not that you aren't happy for her - okay, maybe not much. But you want to be happy for her, so that counts for something, right? It's not that you're a hateful selfish person, or at least you didn't used to be. But after pulling an all nighter, plunking coins into the machines, strategizing about how to win, feeling like you've lost your sanity... why isn't it "meant to be" for you, too?!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
BFN
AF came today in full force so this cycle was a failure. I seemed to respond to the clomid just fine and our timing was great but no luck. I cant say that I am really surprised, I didn't have many symptoms this cycle except for the lovely cramping thanks to clomid. This morning I woke up in some pretty bad pain and could not even bring myself to wear anything but yoga pants to work but since AF arrived the cramping has gotten better but still not feeling great. I officially have my first appointment on April 4th with a fertility "specialist" (since there are no RE in my area this is the next best thing). I really hoped that it would not come to this but here I am so I am trying to get roll with the punches. So now the plan is to do one more cycle of the 50mg clomid with my current Dr and then hopefully have a new plan with my new provider after that appointment. This means no vacations this spring because my leave time will be used up with my appointments which sucks but hopefully something good will come from it.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why the f$ck is everyone pregnant but me?
Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why the f$ck is everyone pregnant but me?
Today this is how I feel. Although I know that I am not alone in this journey, with my due date approaching and seeing the belly pictures of all the woman that are due right around the time I was, I am starting to loose hope. Not to mention all every single one of my close friends who decides they want to start trying to get pregnant and then boom within 3 months they are. I am currently at the end of my first round of clomid and waiting for AF to show up any day now. I finally got the results of my cycle day 21 progesterone test and there were ok, could have been better. My level was a 6 and they would like to see a 10 or higher. We are going on 6 months since our loss and I have decided to finally move onto a reproductive specialist and go from there. For most woman this sounds like a no brainer but for me it is a little more difficult. I live in a small town there I have to fly out to see my Dr and for a monitored cycle this is going to be difficult. I was really hoping that things would start to work themselves out but that does not seem to be the case. So this means that I can cancel any plans for vacation because I will have to use my time off for trips to the doctor. I am trying to remain positive throughout this journey because we are blessed in so many other ways but sometimes its a struggle.
Another new challenge that I am facing is that since staring metformin I have started to gain weight. I am a generally fit and healthy person and have been able to maintain my weight but the last few months have just been hell. I have added 2 days of power yoga a week on top of my 3 days of cardio and juicing into my fitness routine and it just does not seem to make a difference. I do not feel good in my body, I have forgotten what normal feels like. I have been researching PCOS diets and it seems like low carb is the way to go so I am going to give that a shot. I am willing to do anything to feel more like myself at this point. I found this poem today and it really hit home. I hope that I can continue to look forward and try not to let my sadness and frustration consume me.
Thoughts Of Becoming A Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know I will be better
I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child . I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, a friend and a sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tired by the fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall
I have prevailed
I have succeeded
I have won
So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs,
I listen
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten, as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learn a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes
I have learn to appreciate life
Yes I will be a wonderful person
Today this is how I feel. Although I know that I am not alone in this journey, with my due date approaching and seeing the belly pictures of all the woman that are due right around the time I was, I am starting to loose hope. Not to mention all every single one of my close friends who decides they want to start trying to get pregnant and then boom within 3 months they are. I am currently at the end of my first round of clomid and waiting for AF to show up any day now. I finally got the results of my cycle day 21 progesterone test and there were ok, could have been better. My level was a 6 and they would like to see a 10 or higher. We are going on 6 months since our loss and I have decided to finally move onto a reproductive specialist and go from there. For most woman this sounds like a no brainer but for me it is a little more difficult. I live in a small town there I have to fly out to see my Dr and for a monitored cycle this is going to be difficult. I was really hoping that things would start to work themselves out but that does not seem to be the case. So this means that I can cancel any plans for vacation because I will have to use my time off for trips to the doctor. I am trying to remain positive throughout this journey because we are blessed in so many other ways but sometimes its a struggle.
Another new challenge that I am facing is that since staring metformin I have started to gain weight. I am a generally fit and healthy person and have been able to maintain my weight but the last few months have just been hell. I have added 2 days of power yoga a week on top of my 3 days of cardio and juicing into my fitness routine and it just does not seem to make a difference. I do not feel good in my body, I have forgotten what normal feels like. I have been researching PCOS diets and it seems like low carb is the way to go so I am going to give that a shot. I am willing to do anything to feel more like myself at this point. I found this poem today and it really hit home. I hope that I can continue to look forward and try not to let my sadness and frustration consume me.
Thoughts Of Becoming A Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know I will be better
I will be better not because of genetics or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and I prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child . I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover, I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, a friend and a sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tired by the fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall
I have prevailed
I have succeeded
I have won
So now, when others hurt around me I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs,
I listen
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten, as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learn a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes
I have learn to appreciate life
Yes I will be a wonderful person
Friday, February 14, 2014
BW Friday
Nothing like starting out the day with a new nurse trying to find a good vein to poke. Today is cycle day 21 (20 actually due to the weekend) check to see if my progesterone level shows that I ovulated. My fertility friend chart finally shows that I did with 3 temps over my base line so I am really hoping that my bloodwork confirms that. With my previous pregnancy they did not check my progesterone level until 7 weeks and it was extremely low. I believe that it had a lot to do with my missed miscarriage. Hopefully I will have the results by Monday. This time around I am trying to be a little less crazy about my symptom analyzing. Last cycle I was absolutely positive that I was having abnormal symptoms and that it was our cycle so of course the negative tests hurt even worse. This time being my first time on clomid I don't know what is "normal" for so I am just trying to relax. I know it is much easier said than done.
My day started out pretty great thanks to my husband. He had 2 dozen roses and a box of chocolates longer than my arm (no idea what he was thinking) waiting for me when I got out of the shower. I am thankful for my lunch breaks spent at the gym on days like these :) Happy Valentines Day! May your day be filled with love and cocktails.
My day started out pretty great thanks to my husband. He had 2 dozen roses and a box of chocolates longer than my arm (no idea what he was thinking) waiting for me when I got out of the shower. I am thankful for my lunch breaks spent at the gym on days like these :) Happy Valentines Day! May your day be filled with love and cocktails.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
First Clomid Cycle
O Clomid you really do bring out the best in me.....NOT. I
feel like hell. I have not been sleeping very well at all so even midday my
eyes are still swollen. My eyelids look like one big roll. Then there is
the wonderful cramping and bloating. I look like I am 6 months pregnant which makes me
feel even better. Why do I have to feel worse trying to get pregnant than I
ever did for the short time that I was pregnant?? I really hope that I don’t have
to take these pills for very long, my body does not seem to like them too much.
On a positive note I think that I am ovulating, it sure feels like I am and my
temps are looking good so far. I guess I will find out after my bloodwork on Friday
if I did or not.
On another note with every day that passes I can feel my due
date creeping up on me. Honestly I am a little scared to see how I react. I
thought that there for awhile my emotional outbursts had sort of subsided but
right when I start to relax they sneak up on me all over again. I think these
pills may also be contributing to it. My due date is the day before St. Patrick’s
Day, the perfect due date for an Irish girl. Too bad it is now going to make St. Patrick's day hell for me. I came across St Patty’s day
baby clothes the other day and about lost my shit. I should be buying those for our little one. I wish that I could just
skip March this year, maybe just sleep through it.
Today is not a good day for me; I wish I could take the
afternoon off and just head to bed. I am hoping that tomorrow will be better.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Here Goes Nothing
I am pretty new to the world of blogging but I found
myself opening a word document just to get these thoughts down
so I figured what the hell. These may be a little messy but hopefully I
will get the hang of things soon.
I wish that I was the same person that I was a year ago. I know this is a strange thing to say but it is all that I have been thinking about lately. A year ago we had just started TCC in and were just going with the flow. We went into it thinking we were “not not trying”, but in no big hurry to get pregnant right away. I was always a little let down with the negative tests but nothing compared to how I feel now. I was still going with the flow just with the possibility of getting pregnant. We went on vacations every winter and were always out and about with friends. I had no feeling of jealousy towards my loved ones who got pregnant and beleive me no one around me has any problems with that. Every single one of my friends who has recently started trying for a baby has ended up getting pregnant within 3 months, most of them the first month.
So here I am today, a little over a year after we starting trying to have a baby with a PCOS diagnosis and one missed miscarriage. I feel like I am a lame & bitter version of myself. My life seems to revolve around my chart and I spend way too much time analyzing every feeling or twitch. I don’t go out much anymore because I do not want drinking to mess with my temperatures. I use doctor google way more than I should ever be allowed to and have started yoga a few times a week to try to calm my mind. I have also recently started using essential oils for fertility. I never in a MILLION years would have seen myself as the person that I am today. I take more pills that I can stomach. I have nothing planned vacation wise this winter because I don’t want it to mess with our TTC schedule. I have most definitely become a slave of my cycle and I absolutely hate it.
Since our loss I have this sadness in me that I cannot put into words. It is impossible to convey what it’s like to someone who has never experienced a loss. I miss my baby every day. With my due date approaching in March I think almost daily how far along I should be in my pregnancy. Sometimes if I really allow myself to stop and think I start to relive the horrible ultrasound we had at 12w 5 days when the tech could not find a baby and didn’t even say I’m sorry. I remember having to make those heart wrenching phone calls to my family and tell them the baby was gone. I feel broken and betrayed by my body. I hate that I am jealous of all my loved ones who get pregnant. Jealousy makes me feel like such a monster but it is how I feel every day. I found this article online and it is the only thing that I have been able to send to my family to try to put into words how I feel. http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html?spref=fb
I am so lucky to have the most amazing and supportive husband and he deserves huge props for being able to deal with my craziness. We are now onto our 2nd cycle TTC since our loss and our first on clomid. I am trying to remain positive through our struggles but I hope to use this is a place to share my life and my ups and downs on my journey towards motherhood.
I wish that I was the same person that I was a year ago. I know this is a strange thing to say but it is all that I have been thinking about lately. A year ago we had just started TCC in and were just going with the flow. We went into it thinking we were “not not trying”, but in no big hurry to get pregnant right away. I was always a little let down with the negative tests but nothing compared to how I feel now. I was still going with the flow just with the possibility of getting pregnant. We went on vacations every winter and were always out and about with friends. I had no feeling of jealousy towards my loved ones who got pregnant and beleive me no one around me has any problems with that. Every single one of my friends who has recently started trying for a baby has ended up getting pregnant within 3 months, most of them the first month.
So here I am today, a little over a year after we starting trying to have a baby with a PCOS diagnosis and one missed miscarriage. I feel like I am a lame & bitter version of myself. My life seems to revolve around my chart and I spend way too much time analyzing every feeling or twitch. I don’t go out much anymore because I do not want drinking to mess with my temperatures. I use doctor google way more than I should ever be allowed to and have started yoga a few times a week to try to calm my mind. I have also recently started using essential oils for fertility. I never in a MILLION years would have seen myself as the person that I am today. I take more pills that I can stomach. I have nothing planned vacation wise this winter because I don’t want it to mess with our TTC schedule. I have most definitely become a slave of my cycle and I absolutely hate it.
Since our loss I have this sadness in me that I cannot put into words. It is impossible to convey what it’s like to someone who has never experienced a loss. I miss my baby every day. With my due date approaching in March I think almost daily how far along I should be in my pregnancy. Sometimes if I really allow myself to stop and think I start to relive the horrible ultrasound we had at 12w 5 days when the tech could not find a baby and didn’t even say I’m sorry. I remember having to make those heart wrenching phone calls to my family and tell them the baby was gone. I feel broken and betrayed by my body. I hate that I am jealous of all my loved ones who get pregnant. Jealousy makes me feel like such a monster but it is how I feel every day. I found this article online and it is the only thing that I have been able to send to my family to try to put into words how I feel. http://facetsoflifeafterloss.blogspot.com/2013/08/dear-non-bereaved-mama-with-love.html?spref=fb
I am so lucky to have the most amazing and supportive husband and he deserves huge props for being able to deal with my craziness. We are now onto our 2nd cycle TTC since our loss and our first on clomid. I am trying to remain positive through our struggles but I hope to use this is a place to share my life and my ups and downs on my journey towards motherhood.
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