Fuck You March

I have been falling behind writing but I feel like this month has been so overwhelming I never know where to start. Just as I expected March has by far been the worst month for me. Everything I sit at work and think "I should not be here, I should be home with my newborn." All of the people that were due around the same time as me have had their babies and are getting to enjoy every moment of being a new mother and it feels as if I have been left behind.

DH and I took a trip to the city where my Dr is located and because we were there I stopped by the specialists office to fill out the new patient paperwork. That day she called me and asked what cay of my cycle I was on and I sent me right to the ultrasound place to check if I was close to ovulating and if so she was going to give me a trigger shot. I was so unbelievably excited, I could not believe we were going to get the chance to have 2 medicated cycles before DH leaves fishing. I really felt like things were starting to look up. Well of course we went and got the ultrasound (at the same place where I discovered my miscarriage) and all they saw was a ton of cysts and very small follies, the biggest one measuring 10 so they pretty much just sent me on my way. At this point I really do not expect to hear any positive information from a providers office.

DH also was able to get a SA while we were away. My new provider called a few nights later and told us everything looks except for motility is a little low. I have not received the write up yet so we will know more soon. 

My due date was rough, I barely got out of bed. I think the roughest part for me was the only one of my loved ones who knew I was due said anything to me that day. Not even my mother said anything to me about my loss that day. I couldn't help but think of how my phone would have been blowing up if I was still pregnant. March 16th definitely brought an overwhelming feeling of loneliness that I have never experienced before in my life. We booked tickets to Vegas for Saturday for a little get away and while I am very excited and ready for a break I am sad that I can go to Vegas to let loose. I am sad that I am not home with my new baby.

As April is our last chance for any sort of medicated cycle before the summer madness begins I have it all worked out to work from the city and be able to have my first fully monitored cycle in April. Since started Metformin I have been ovulating right around day 17 and have been having between 31-35 day cycles. It was going to line up perfectly that I get back from my trip, have my first RE consultation and be able to dive into things right when we got home. Well now of course my body is not responding to the clomid and I cant tell what my body is doing. My temps are higher than normal and bouncing all over the place with no sign of ovulation. So now I am freaking out because I cant get pushed back too far into next month or else I will not be able to have a medicated cycle.

I just keep waiting for something good to happen and the more and more time that goes by it makes it harder to stay positive.