Why Me

One of the worst things about Loss and IF is that it is not like the normal grief stages, you have good days and very bad days all the time. You are never in the clear from days that you feel like at any minute you are going to have a breakdown. Today is one of those days for me. This month I met with my RE and am scheduled for my first IUI but I cannot seem to get out of my current never ending cycle. Today is cycle day 42 and about 14 days past ovulation, of course when I thought everything was going to be timed perfectly for having to miss work and travel to the RE I ovulate on day 29 instead of 17. I had blood work on Saturday and she said that everything looked good and that I definitely did ovulate a good egg but my HCG was below 1. She had me take progesterone until yesterday and test this morning just in case and of course it was negative. I have pretty much quit testing, I just go off my temps and wait for my period because even though I already know my test is going to be negative it still ruins my day to see that single line. The extra progesterone has made me more emotional than normal and I am having one of those "why me" days. As my brother in laws fiance and my good friend get farther and farther along in their pregnancies I feel like I am completely left behind. I miss being pregnant so much. I cant believe that it has been more than 7 months since our loss.

I hate the monster that our loss and IF have made me. At this point I cant even see myself wanting to be around my husbands niece that is due is September unless I am pregnant. That is the most horrible thing to say, but I just don't know if I am going to have it in me. I feel so confused and  betrayed by my body. Why is it so easy for everyone else around me to get pregnant and not me?? I big FU to Infertility today!